(2)syl - Two Kisses And A Wound

	in 101: Kiss (Eternal) 102: Kiss (Momentary) 103: Wound (Infected) Post: 02.19.2004 Date: 01.31.2196 Time: Evening Kiss (Eternal) [p063-p064] (GO) goes the world I come awake, but leave my eyes closed. Despite the dream, which I should be gasping in shock at, I feel a sense of serenity about me. The static's buzzing, trickling through my body, but I guess I've learned to live with that. Serenity surrounds--no need to get upset or be surprised at what I just saw. After all, it was just something the static sent me. I've had worse. (my other father) Okay, hadn't seen that coming. There's movement above me, then something brushes against my lips. The contact startles me, static faltering briefly, and I open my eyes. Phoenix is pulling away, his hand recoiling from my forehead. His eyes carry a concerned look, and...something else, something I've not seen on his face before. Kneeling beside me, Phoenix turns away. The small cot I'm lying on creaks. I moved my arm. "Did you just kiss me?" I ask. Phoenix's head whips back, too fast. "syl...listen. I..." (There's your answer, angel) What's in your eyes, Phoenix? You look confused. Why did you do that? I'm confused too. Maybe it would be better if you left-- "You can do it again, if you want," I say. His eyes are searching mine, but he doesn't move. He's waiting. For what? I realize, with a sudden heat, just how much I want him to kiss me again, for real this time. I want it to be more than what he just did, more than what we shared on my boat. More than what I gave Aran. As far from a witchkiss as possible. A real kiss, just human to human. But he's frozen, those eyes boring into me. I don't think he's breathing. An eternity of silence lies between us. I can't bring myself to cross it. I turn my head away, wondering if I'm going to cry, hardly knowing why, but there's a hand on my chin suddenly, pulling. Phoenix's mouth comes up against mine. My lips are dry, seemingly cold against the warmth of his own. It's a closed-mouth kiss, but it's the best one I can remember having. His eyes are closed. Mine aren't. Because, I just realized that the static's gone. (bliss!) Wallowing in the absence of the static's prick, I go still. Phoenix notices, his eyes springing open. Up close, those blue eyes are threatening to (swirls they're wirewitch swirls they're wirewitch swirls watch out!) engulf me. He begins to pull back, but I get a hand behind his neck and hold him down, keeping our eyes locked, licking my lips to wet them, throwing myself back into the kiss. It's even better now. Slick, my lips slide across his. Without the static, the kiss is pure and hot, sending daggers of warmth instead of daggers of pain. I can't help it; a small sigh escapes my mouth. My mind tells me that not enough of him is pressed up against me. I want more. (oh.) (do you, angel?) (really?) (don't know what the glitch you're doing.) (don't know what the glitch you want.) One hand is creeping at the back of his head, burying my fingers in his hair, holding him tighter to me. He's holding my face in both hands, one of his fingers caressing a lobe. I wonder briefly what part of me he's going to touch next, what part of me he's going to kiss next. Again, the cot creaks. Phoenix grunts and pulls away suddenly, strongly, trying to stand. He's shaking his head, wiping saliva from his lips. He looks at the back of his hand, glistening. "What are you doing?" I ask. "I-I just wanted to see if you were alright." Oh, is that what you were doing? The static is back, harsh and biting. I try to hold back a whimper. "I'm fine. What's wrong?" "It's nothing," he says, blinking. "I didn't...I mean, I can't--" "You can't what?" I sit up. Stomach's aching. Am I going to cry now? "I shouldn't have--" He stops, cutting himself off. "Ah, I need to go now." "Don't leave me here like this." The skinsuit is glowing pink, glitch it. He moves toward the door. "You don't understand." "What the glitch don't I understand? Talk to me." Phoenix has his hand on the door, opening it. "Look at me, glitch it! You came to me. You kissed me! Now you're just gonna leave?" "Yes." "Oh. I guess I don't know how we even got this far then. Did any of it mean anything?" Phoenix sighs, his back still to me, his fist clenched. "I--I don't know." Why are you doing this to me, Phoenix? Glitch you for doing this. Glitch me for letting you. (you knew, angel) (you knew he would be the one to leave) (didn't you?) "Sorry," he says. "I thought you weren't ready to say goodbye," I say, making it a threat. My eyes tell me that he flinches at that, faltering for a second, but he gives me an unreadable glance, opens the door and leaves. The door swings shut but doesn't close. I sit, gaping. I'm aroused and confused. Not a pleasant mix. Several minutes later, my bewilderment culminates with quiet tears into the willing softness of my pillow.
	Post: 02.20.2004 Date: 01.31.2196 Time: Evening Kiss (Momentary) [p065] How long have I been here like this? There's a soggy spot on my pillow. I wipe at my eyes. But wait, why am I crying about this? (angel, you know the answer, so whatcha gonna do 'bout it?) Ok, I'm crying because I have feelings for him. (true, but a lie) I'm crying because I shouldn't even be having these feelings toward him. (false. that's not for you to decide. you're not god.) I'm crying because he doesn't want me. (untrue, and that's a lie) I'm crying because he has feelings for me and won't tell me. (incorrect, and that's not why you're crying, so you're lying again) I'm crying because he still has feelings for that other girl. Despite what she did, he still loves her. I can't compete with that. (sounds like an excuse, angel) Fine, I don't know why I'm crying! I'm a girl, and I can cry whenever I feel like it. I'm a weak female who just got rejected by a man. (yes you do. no you can't. and no you didn't.) I deserve some sympathy here. He doesn't want me. (what you deserve is a kick in the skinsuit. and you don't know what he wants.) What should I do then? (...) My tears having stopped, my inner dialogue stops too. I'm no less confused--I still don't understand why Phoenix left. Over the past month, we've been through enough together, saved each other's lives enough times, slept against each other enough, it's only natural that we've become closer. We're both human. It's instinct. When I think about him, when he looks at me, there's still that flitterwasp in my stomach. I can't deny that that means something. I feel something for him, and finding him here when I woke up from my dream was a signal--it wasn't just me. He feels for me too, and yet, he left. Why? Glitch us both, I'm gonna find out. Right. Now. Better watch out, Phoenix. I'm coming for you, and I'm not all that happy with you. I can like you and still be mad at you. Standing, my bare feet are warm against the floor. The room is small, with the cot taking up half the floor space. The walls are bare except for a rectangular mirror on one wall and a framed hanging on another. Inside the frame is a quotation that reads: STAY, IF YOU BELONG. LEAVE, IF YOU DON'T. Just underneath those words, some previous occupant of this room has written: THE TWO TECHNOMANCERS WHO TOOK ME SIMULTANEOUSLY, STAYED. BUT THEY DIDN'T BELONG. Blinking those words away, moving to the mirror, I lean down and stare at myself. Have I seen myself since I woke up in that glitched alley? I can't remember. Glitch, my hair is a mess. It's sticking out on one side. I pat it down, and it's a little better. Still, it's tangled in places, and there are knots. Glitch it, best not to concentrate on that. One black iris and one brown peering with wonder. They're tired eyes, but the overall effect isn't bad, straight blue stands framing my face properly on either side, just past my chin. My nose is nice, just the right size for my face I suppose. And the lips, well, they're a little rough and dry-- (against Phoenix...) --but still kissable my mind tells me. They look soft. So, why doesn't he? Want me? The skinsuit hugs me tight, the ribbing accentuating my curves, making them more than they are. The ribbing is dark. I think of Aran, and the ribbing pulses between a dull gray and a cold, pale blue. I think of JACK; the ribbing goes yellow. With Phoenix, it's pure red, and then it won't shut off. Probably because I can't get his face out of my mind. Can't forget the touch of his fingers on my cheeks. The taste of him is still on my chapped lips. I hate what you're doing to me, Phoenix. Somehow you got through. One self-indulgent sigh, then I'm out of the room, walking down the hallway to Phoenix's room. I don't knock, but push on the door instead. It vibrates underneath my fingertips. Pulse shielding! What the glitch? He's that scared of me? Only vaguely aware that my skinsuit is still burning red, I slam my fist against the door. There's a blast of j34mf lkier!!! zzzzb bdddzz static!!!! hbbbg zzzkkkk!! rrrrr rrrrr! The vibrations stop, and the door swings inward. I'm inside in an instant. Behind me, the door swings closed and resumes its hum. The static is running through my head--background noise to set the mood. Phoenix, in front of the cot, stammers, "Hey! H-How did you get through the--?" "Shut the glitch up," I say. "I'm not here to talk." Phoenix's eyes go wide. I'm a little shocked at my own words, and that, despite my initial reasons for coming here, I meant them. I want to know why he left me, but that's not why I'm here. "What do you want from me?" he asks, eyes shifting to the stand at the foot of the cot, where his sais and pistols are lying. Thinking about going for 'em are you, Phoenix? I wouldn't, if I were you. I smile, moving toward him. "I've never seen you so serious. Is something wrong? No flippant comments about a girl breaking into your room? Don't you have anything to say? Don't you have something to tell me?" "I thought you didn't want to talk." I raise an eyebrow. "I don't." "Hey, then neither do I." I don't reply, but take another couple of steps, folding my arms across my chest. This close--only half a meter away--I have to tilt my head up to look him in the eye, staring him down. After a minute, Phoenix says, "It's going to be a long night, isn't it?" "Could be." "I don't know why you're here." "You left. We weren't finished." Phoenix shifts his feet, averting his eyes. "And you think that--" "We. Weren't. Finished." "But--" "You know we weren't." "I don't know that." "Don't glitch with me! We've been through too much together for your usual g'ekk j'aa! And don't treat me so casually. It's not like we just met today." "That's not what I meant! You're twisting things!" I'm immovable. Not backing down. "Remember, you're not pulling a con here. You know what you did back in my room and why you stopped. I can see it in your eyes. You know it's not finished between us. Don't deny it again." "So, you want us to..." "Yes." (angel, where are you going with all this?) As we stand there, caught in the confrontation I knew had to occur between us, I'm distracted by Phoenix's proximity. He towers over me, a mix of power and grace and contradictions. A thief. A protector. A con artist. A victim. A fighter. A liar. A lover. (????? Really ?????) (What the glitch do) (you think you know) (about love and lovers?) Standing this near to him, with the possibility of getting closer still present, my pulse quickens. The skinsuit ribbing seems to pulse along with it, colors wavering. I find myself wanting to reach out and put my hands on him, to run my hands along his shoulders, down his arms, around his forearms, interlock my fingers with his. Hold his hand. Let our fingerprints get to know each other. That thought brings a flush to my face and a delirious warmth which centers around my stomach, but descending lower. The ribbing turns pale. I swallow, wetting my lips. Phoenix sees me, and lets out a slow breath. These feelings...I suppose they've been developing slowly for the past month. Now, they're burst out into the open. I don't feel like I've had them before. Are they truly new to me? Did I ever lust after somebody? Did I ever love? INTACTMAIDENVIRGINS don't LUSTLOVELICK or didn't you know that? Phoenix is tense, like a wound spring, conducting some internal debate. His conflict is reflected in those blue pools. His breathing is shallow. Finally, he says, "You don't know me." "That's a glitched thing to say. Are you trying to make me mad?" "No!" "Fine, kiss me again, Phoenix. Right the glitch now. No more talking." Phoenix holds up his hands. "I told you. We can't--" We're doing this my way. Don't you understand that? Earlier, outside the city, it was you in my dream, wasn't it? You were undressing me. You were licking me. Subconsciously, I must've wanted it. Okay, I want you to do it in realspace this time. He must see the look in my eyes, because he says, "Glitch! You're not listening to me! You never do!" I bring my hand across my body, sliding one zip tab at the side of my neck down to the edge of my shoulder, hooking two fingers in and spreading the flaps, baring skin. The strap of my undergarment is visible. He can't help it; he looks, he swallows. "syl, you don't want to do this." "Don't tell me what I want. I'll tell you." I reach for the zip tab on the other side. The sound as it slides down my shoulder seems to reverberate through my entire body. "Careful now!" Phoenix puts his arms up, to grab my arms and push me away, but he can't seem to bring himself to actually touch me, as if that would unintentionally signal some assent on his part. "You know, I think you may have hit your head when you passed out earlier! Maybe you should lie dowmgghfff--" Of course, by that point I've cut him off with my mouth and my tongue. Instantaneously, the static drops to zero. This time, where our mouths meet, the heat of his lips is answered by an equal level of my own. I'm on my tiptoes, forcing his head down, myself up to him, pressing as hard as I can from this angle. It feels good to have myself squished up against his lithe form. And, quite to my shock, he's kissing me back. It's violent, the way I'm assaulting his mouth with my tongue, running it between his teeth, against the inner sides of his cheeks, warring with his tongue for dominance of this moist, heated realm. I push; he pushes back. Taller than me, he has the advantage, plus he's stronger. I back up a couple of steps, but he's right there with me, devouring me. And I him. I breathe deep, my nose taking in his scent, somehow clean, and boldly male. I'm sucking on his tongue, insistent between my lips. His taste is of liquid confusion and desire. I'm inhaling him, drinking him in. We stumble back. I wonder if I'm going to back into anything. I disentangle my tongue, slithering it across his lips, reveling in their texture, speaking right against him, holding his eyes, breathing hard, saying, "The only way I'm lying down is if I'm on top of you." Then, I spin him around, pushing him backward. I keep my lips pressed against his as he hits the wall. The breath goes out of him, whooshing out of the seal our mouths have made. I giggle at that, kissing a line down his stubble-covered chin, to his neck. There, the edge of the jumpsuit waits, almost taunting me. I put my hands on his chest, running them across the firmness there, feeling for the seam which I assume is running down the center of his torso. It's not there. Or, if it is, it's hidden. The static rises steadily, but just then Phoenix kisses my forehead, giving me a moment's respite from the pain before it bounces right back. I need to get his skin back against mine again. It's the only way the static goes away. (how glitched selfish) "syl," Phoenix whispers, fingers combing through my hair, "you're going to...ah..." "Hush," I growl. Frustrated, I grab the jumpsuit at the neck, wriggling two fingers on each hand under the collar, yanking. There's a ripping sound as the jumpsuit splits all the way down to his waist. The static goes silent when I touch him. He's unbearably hot underneath; I imagine my palms blistering as I run them across his abdominals, careful to avoid his wounds. My lips burn as they trace across his pectorals, pausing to encircle a nipple, sending my tongue across it, relishing the gasp he makes. Then I'm tracking back up his chest, bring my teeth into play, perhaps more roughly than I intended, but God, I can barely contain the excitement I'm feeling! The absence of static, and the sensations of Phoenix against me is intoxicating. I'm inebriated. Glitch, I'm so aroused. From the feel of him, so is he. I want him so much that I know I've lost control. I press myself deeper into him and reach up, pulling the jumpsuit top off his shoulders and down his arms. His muscles are strong and taut under my hands. I kiss his forearms. I kiss his biceps. I rest my cheek against his chest, breathing heavy. My mind tells me that something is poking into me. Glitch, it's the sever-whip. I knock it off my hip, and it clatters across the floor. Glitch of a lot better. Looking up, I take his mouth again, then whisper in his ear, "Take this glitched skinsuit off of me." I spin in his arms, tilting my head forward. There's a pause as he hesitates, but then I feel his fingers moving at my zip tabs. They streak down the sides of my arms. Involuntarily, I shiver. He's not touching me directly, so the static manifests again, buzzing a horrible song through my head. The back of my skinsuit starts to fall away, and gooseflesh rises. Without warning, I have a moment of PANIC because he's seeing it I'm letting him see my marking. Oh! And kiss it! His lips on the back of my neck, just at the tips of the marking, force another shiver through my entire body. It's too much, so I spin back, pulling the straps of my undergarment over the edge of my shoulders, letting the front flap of the skinsuit fall forward against him. I'm not exposed yet; most of me still covered by my undergarment. "Kiss me," I say. Phoenix leans down, trying to capture my mouth with his, but I take his head in my hands. "Not on the lips, silly." His gaze shifts downward. Except for our labored breathing, there's silence. It's as if the moment is resting on the edge of a blade; I can't predict which way it's going to fall. His head drops. His kisses, burning like fire, scatter across the twin swells of my breasts. The skinsuit ribbing flares uncontrollably as his lips dent my softness. My pregnancy has made me more sensitive, and I can barely stand what his mouth is doing to me. For a few seconds there, I actually believe the static has flipped, becoming something almost positive, something almost pleasurable. It's still a buzz, but it's carrying molecules of excitement with it, vibrating down my back, down my front, into the core of me. I clutch Phoenix tight with one hand and reach for the waist of his jumpsuit with the other. He tenses and pushes me back. He's too quick about it, and I stumble away, making a vain attempt to grab at his hand. I'm shocked into wordlessness, gasping, static claiming me. He's rejecting me again! Phoenix has a look of agony on his face, wiping his mouth against the back of his forearm, still staring at my breasts, where even now, lip-prints of saliva are drying. "No more! I can't do this! Glitch!" "Glitch that!" I spit. "You want to! I want you to! What the glitch is wrong with you?!" "Nothing...I can't explain it to you right now." "What a glitch of a thing to say to me." I clutch the dangling front flap of the skinsuit to my chest, embarrassed now. Scanning the floor for my sever-whip, spotting it, picking it up. "You're holding back for some reason, and I want to know why. You owe me that much." "We don't owe each other anything." "It's her, isn't it?" I'm clutching the sever-whip so hard, the control surfaces are digging into my palm. "You're still in love with her." "Who are you talking about?" "Glitch it, you're difficult. You know I'm talking about Maia." "Oh, her..." Phoenix looks away, before quietly saying, "You don't know anything about her. Or me. Or what was between us." "I know what you told me, unless you were pulling a con on me, back on the edge of that cliff, while you had your hand down my skinsuit. Remember?" Phoenix's mouth turns into a thin line. "I remember." "Good. But it's just one of the many mistakes between us." "I'm not in love with her anymore." "Then what is it?" I ask, venturing a few steps closer. "Please tell me." Phoenix eyes the sever-whip, then his sais and pistols on the table behind me. "syl, you need to leave. I can't have you here right now." I bow my head. What else can I do? I'm: still aroused / getting angry / remaining frustrated / and hurting "I'll leave, if you tell me one thing," I say. "Do you feel anything for me? Love or lust--I don't care which. Just tell me." "I...won't deny...that." Some strange hurt is reflected in his eyes, but he doesn't let me see it for long. I move toward the door, not even bothering with fixing my skinsuit. "If that's the case, and you're letting me walk out this door, then you're a glitched fool. I...I don't understand that. Not one glitched bit. You'll have to live with regret. It's gonna eat at you." Phoenix doesn't respond. "I feel something for you, Phoenix. And it's not just lust." There, I said it. What more can he want from me? He's silent though. Before I can stop them, there are static tears in my eyes. Before I can stop myself, I rush from the room.
	Post: 02.21.2004 Date: 02.01.2196 Time: Morning Wound (Infected) [p069] I'm going to leave them both today. This inescapable fact is on my mind when I wake on my cot, gray sunlight streaming through cracks in a flimsy window covering. Dust motes float in the thin beams. I watch the motes for several minutes before sitting up. One shoulder strap of my undergarment crept down my shoulder while I slept. For some reason, when I move to push it back up, I think of Phoenix. I shake my head in an attempt to clear the static that threatens to rise. Glitch me, what was I thinking? It's clear I made a mistake. I misjudged him. I misjudged the effect I had on him. He's stronger than I thought. More stubborn. More in denial. I let him touch me. Didn't even check to make sure he's virus free! I let him kiss me. I wanted him. Welcomed him. What a foolish little angel... ...I have been. At least I'm leaving him before he can leave me. Not how I expected it to be. Better for me this way. And Aran. I'm sure I've misjudged him too, but not too sure of the details yet. Leaving him will be easy. He barely remembers me. Guess I didn't make much of an impression. Glitch. Okay, in the end, he can't help me anyway. Why should I be upset? In the end, I'll be on my own. Can't rely on a Technomancer to rescue me from eoas or exploding islands all the time. Still, my mind nags, you might be missing something. He could be important. Could be, but I'm out of time to find out. There's never enough time. (When you leave this place, this city, you must travel west...) (Black Vale Six...) (Driftfane's Sin...) Calamity's words jump at me, accusing me with sharpened fingers. I found Aran, and I did it by not listening to Calamity. Not gonna change my mind on that issue. My new direction will be the direction that takes me to JACK. After that... Don't know. Have to make it up. Maybe the JACK'll have some ideas. Maybe 2-85 will-- (Will what, angel? Why are you even bringing him up?) Ah, glitch if I know. I'm really confused now. More than I've ever been before. There's a short nozzle sticking out from the wall, just under the mirror. I wave my hand under it. A slimy liquid streams out into my palm. Body cleanser. I would kiss an eoa for a sonic shower, but I haven't seen any here. Consequently, I'm forced to run the body cleanser over my skin. It's cool and smells nice, but it's no substitute for low frequency audio waves. Still, I feel just a little more alive when I finally slide back into my white skinsuit. Mercifully, the ribbing stays black and lifeless. The sever-whip goes on my hip. Where it belongs. The white, thick-heeled boots underneath my cot go on my feet. No sense wiping them off; they'll just be dirty again in a few hours. My backpack lies under the cot. I open it, taking inventory. Still a week or two of food substitute, the AquaSucker, and my other two skinsuits. The red one I shove into the backpack. The black two-piece, I douse in cleanser and rub till all traces of the caked blood are gone. When I'm done, it goes into the pack. As I do, I see the Zannathan scale glittering at the bottom of the pack. At the sight of it, I can't help but wince. It was meant to remind me of Phoenix. Now it's done its job. Glitch. I consider taking the scale and leaving it in my room, but I can't bring myself to do that. Glitch you to Eiech, Phoenix. I close the pack, put it on. Glancing at the mirror, I run my hands through my hair one last time. I wish I had a brush to smooth out some of the tangles and knots. Normally, my hair is straight and pure, but now it's uneven and scraggly. Glitch it, I need to find myself a normal life. I sigh, because it's hard to do that when you have no memory of the past. Difficult to move forward when you don't even know who you were. Or who you are. I want to see Aran one more time. I have something to tell him. But I don't need to see Phoenix. Don't want to talk to him anymore. Besides, he's already said his goodbye. I check the room one last time, making sure I didn't leave anything. Taking a deep breath, my stomach rumbles, and there's a bubble of panic churning now. Can you really do this, angel? Take care of yourself? By yourself? Just who the glitch do you think you are? I don't know the answers. I'm a darkened angel; I know that much. When the candles in my soul--the lights inside me, the innocence and hope I carried--began to go out, I could feel it. I haven't been the same since Dokks in the alley and JACK in the Haven and blue spark in my belly I'm darker, without as much light inside me. In my soul, are there any candles left? Again, don't know the answer to that. Does it matter? My room clean, I step into the hall. Quick glances both ways confirm that my way is clear. This is the second floor, so I have to pass Phoenix's room to get to the stairs. I hurry past, mouthing silent prayers that he's not awake yet. Heart beats a little faster as I pass. I make it downstairs without any problem. Scan of the bar down below tells me that Aran's not here. Maybe he's outside. Shouldn't be too hard to find him. Not too many winged Technomancers strolling the streets of this city. At least I hope there aren't. Outside, the sky is a sickly orange, tinged with gray, indirect sunlight filtering down through the narrow trench this city rests in. The strip of sky above makes me yearn for an open plain. It's as if my body is remembering a long-forgotten desire for wide spaces. Closing my eyes for a moment, I can almost see...a desert...or something similar, flat and dry. The static rises, then, banishing my longing. I briefly consider going back inside and saying goodbye to Phoenix. I still want him. I'm angry with him, and I don't understand him, but there's unfulfilled desire raging through me. Even now, in spite of how he's treated me, I'd forgive him in an instant if he said the words. It irritates me that I would be that pliable, that weak, but I know how I would act. He would speak; I would respond. His action. My reaction. But that isn't going to happen. There is strange sense of calm about me, despite my inner turmoil. It's as if there are two parts of me--one willing to accept the circumstances, and the other not. One part of me has already moved on, looking forward to finding JACK, while the other burns to have Phoenix either panting in my talons or cowering beneath my wings of ire. I step away from the building, turn right, and head down the street. I walk near to this side of the street, ignoring anybody who passes me, keeping my head down, not meeting anybody's gaze. Which is why I almost run into him. "You look like you're leaving." I sigh. Glitch, I couldn't help it. "I am. Get out of my way." "Oh," he says, stepping to the side. I resume walking, only he's following beside me. "Stop it. You can't follow me." "I can walk where I want, last time I checked." I spin on him, bringing him to a halt. "Check again," I say, wondering where that glowing is coming from. It's...oh! The sever-whip is in my hand and activated. How the glitch did that get there?!? "Careful with that," he says. "No," I say, stepping closer, forcing him to step back to avoid the swinging plasma wire. "You. Be careful with me, Phoenix." He hold up his hands, palms to me. "You don't want to hurt me...ah, like that." I glance at the plasma wire, which has crept up, dangerously close to his crotch. I let a most wicked grin reach my face. "You've already demonstrated that you know nothing of what I want. Don't presume to tell me now." "I...didn't want it to end like this between us!" I let the smile fade, the plasma wire drop, the sever-whip deactivate. I appraise him for a minute. "I think that's the first honest thing you've said to me in quite some time." "No, there were others. I just--" "Why are you here? You were waiting for me. Why?" Those blue eyes of his. Hard not to get lost in them. "I knew you were going to leave. I've seen it in your eyes before, but never so clear as...well, last night." "How observant. Now what? You want me to stay?" He looks away. "I think that maybe if..." Talk to me, glitch it! What the glitch is holding you back? Or is it who? "Tell me your real name." Phoenix's head whips up. "What?!" "Tell me your real name, right now, and I'll stay here with you. Work things through. Give you another chance." Shaking his head, he doesn't even pause. "Don't ask me that. I can't tell you." "Fine," I say, moving again. "Wait!" He has a hand on my shoulder. I freeze. "I want you to have this." My back's still to him, so he has to reach around, grab my wrist, and place something into my palm, closing my fingers around it. "What is it?" I ask, then add, "I don't want it." "It's a Skreamer." "What the glitch is a Skreamer, and why the glitch would I want one?" "It's a single-pulse transmitter/receiver. You activate it, you can send me a message. No matter where you are on the planet, no matter where I am, I'll get it." I open my palm. The Skreamer is red and round, about two centimeters in diameter. One side is flat, and the other looks like it can be pressed. "Press the top. It'll glow red for five seconds. Speak into it during that time. When it stops glowing the message will send. It'll send your coordinates also. It only works once. If there's a time when you don't have any other choice, use it. I'll come." What would you do, Phoenix, if I pressed it right now? "I promise," he says. "Sorry, I don't want it." I toss it over my shoulder, where Phoenix scrambles to catch it. I keep walking. The city gate is less than half a kilometer away, down this street. "You should take it," Phoenix says from behind me. One hand slides across my neck, and the other reaches for my hand again. Static bursts. Mind explosions. Furious, I whirl and shove the sever-whip handle into his stomach. The breath goes out of him with a whoosh, and he drops away from me. Wait, maybe I shouldn't have done that. At least not where the Zannathan got him... Phoenix lands on the ground, wheezing. He clutches his stomach. "...wasn't nice...glitched...woman." "I'm not taking the Skreamer. Don't come near me again. I don't need you, and I don't want to see you again! It's pointless!" The look of pain on his face worsens, becoming something more, something deeper. He turns his head away. "If that's what you want, syl." "No. This isn't about what I want! It's about what you want! Or rather, what you don't want. Really, that's what it's been about all along. I just didn't realize it until now." Phoenix struggles to his feet. "Is this how it's going to end between us?" The question goes unanswered between us for several minutes. Phoenix shifts uncomfortably, his feet stirring dust. I can almost see the friendship we might have had dying. In my heart, I can feel it. Tears would be natural at this point. (another candle flicking out, angel) (how many do you have left?) "I guess so," I say, then turn and walk away. This time, Phoenix makes no move to stop me. As I walk, my mind relents, wishing that I had let him give me the Skreamer, wishing I hadn't hit him in the stomach, wishing... Too much wishing might turn me around, so I shake my head and keep walking. When I get to the city gate, I look back, hopeful. Phoenix isn't there. The static flares, bringing tears to my eyes, and uncontrolled sobs to my chest. God, I hate you, Phoenix. There are still tears in my eyes when Aran appears beside me, holding a tight, black bundle. "You look like you're leaving," he says. Then, getting a look at my face, "Hey, what did he do?" "Nothing," I say. That's the glitch of the problem isn't it? "How did you know I was leaving?" "Saw it in your eyes last night." Last night? But I wasn't thinking of leaving last night! Not when Aran was around! He couldn't have seen that! "That was before you passed out. Are you okay? I can break something of his for you, if you want." "I'm fine. I already hurt him a little." "Only a little? With that?" Aran gestures toward my hip. I can't help but grunt-laugh at that, feeling the smooth end of the handle with my palm. "No. Not with that. I left everything attached. Didn't want him bleeding out on me. He has some old wounds." Aran nods. "I know the kind." "Can I ask you a favor?" "You can ask." "Can you fly me out of here?" Please, get me the glitch out of here, Aran. It hurts too much to be this near to Phoenix right now. Show me your wings. Let them take me away--a little ways at least. This wound. It's too much. It's infected. The back of Aran's trench coat undulates as if alive. Underneath it, I can picture his wings--those dark, twisted shapes--coming awake only to find themselves confined and hidden. I can picture them not liking it. They want out. Aran senses it too, shaking himself out of the trench coat. His wings spring up, expanding till they hover over us both. I actually take a hesitant step back at the sight of [my mark] [it's my mark] [in his dark wings] those wings fanning behind him. Aran reaches up, his whole body stretching it seems. Muscles and metal bend and flex, and I realize then just how much power he holds, how strong he is. But really, I'm only getting a glimpse. He's much stronger than I can imagine. Static tears through my mind. Aran's wings shift, changing shape--or so it seems to me. Can't be sure, 'cause my vision blurs. When I can focus again, Aran is stepping closer. "What are you doing to me?" he asks. "W-What do you mean?" His wings settle, their sinewy mesh seeming to breathe along with Aran. Or maybe it's just me. "I can feel you..." Aran begins, then brushes hair out of his eyes so he can look at me unobstructed. "Can you hear--ah, glitch, forget it. It's probably nothing." "Get me out of here, Aran," I plead. Glitch, my voice wavered. He knows I'm about to break into tears again. Aran hands me the black bundle. "Here, hold this." "What is it?" "Don't open it. Yet." There's a moment between us. Awkward for me, but Aran's standing distracted, ignoring me I think. "I--" Aran begins, coughing. "I'm going to pick you up now." I'm trembling. Why? Just a blue-haired girl in the shadow of a Technomancer. When I speak, it's a soft: "Well, go ahead then." Aran bends down, arms at my back and at the bend of my knees. I have enough time to wrap my hands around his neck, but that's it. We're airborne, rocketing upward. The wind rips at my face, flailing my hair. Blurs of blue dancing. The skinsuit ribbing explodes into a bright green. Aran doesn't seem to notice. I bury my face in his chest, frightened by the sounds I hear in there. At his back, the wings don't seem to flap as much as they appear to be pulling us through the air. They're Clawing For Altitude. Below, the city recedes. On either side, the crater walls streak, just blurs of ancient rock, reformed and reshaped at the whim of an apocalyptic event. We pass the rim of the crater at an incredible speed, and then we're in free space. Beneath us, the crater encircles, the ocean encroaches. Above us, the sky oppresses, sick and diseased. The sun has limped behind some clouds. Up here, we're closer to the gray. My stomach leaps when Aran reverses direction, sending us back down. We're diving, and I'm clutching at Aran, feeling like I could fall away from him at any moment. He doesn't seem to be holding me that tightly. "Where?" he asks. I look. I point. "There." North side of the crater. We plummet. When Aran touches down, at the base of the outside rim, I come out of his arms, almost falling, most ungracefully. I scowl at him, brushing my hair out of my eyes. Must be a mess. If he notices, he hides it well. What are you thinking, Knight of Chrome? "Thank you," I say. "You can keep that," he says, gesturing at the bundle. "I have no use for it." Unwrapping the bundle, a black cloak unfolds in my hands. It's a thin, textured material that slides through my fingers like water. The air isn't warm out here, so I put it on. The cloak comes fully across me, just brushing the ground. The arms are baggy, covering even my hands. There's a hood too, which looks full enough to droop down over my face. "How do I look?" I ask. Aran pauses, not looking at me directly. "Fine. I'm sure." (Gonna tell him, angel? Time grows short. Just get it over with. Stop stalling.) "We may not see each other again," I say. "Anything's possible." I try to take his hand in mine, but he jerks it away, so I fold my arms across my chest. "I want to tell you something." "What?" he asks, his voice tired, and...irritated? There's some weight on him, pressing him down. Can see it in on his face, the slump of his shoulders. He's different now, from what I remember. It's more than just the wings. His core being seems changed. Static bursts. I get an image flash of Aran's new wings, reflecting the mark on my back. It brings tears to my eyes. I wipe my ducts, brushing the wetness off on my sleeve. Aran holds up a hand. "Wait. Don't tell me." "Why not?" "It's better if I don't know." (zzzzzZZZZZ!!!) "What the glitch does that mean? It doesn't make any sense!" "Listen," Aran says, his wings flexing. "I have to go now. Good luck finding your friends." Why are you letting me go like this, Aran? Are you mad at me? Why did I do? Have I really been that foolish? Aran laughs. "Be careful with the witches." "Fine," I say, confused, angry, hurt. "If this is what you want." "I don't--" "Just tell me goodbye, Aran. Say it properly though. Tell me, then kiss me. Send me away as if you've saved my life before instead of as if you barely know me." He turns away, his wings lifting just it time to avoid slamming into me. "Can't you give me that much, at least?" I ask. "I can't do any of that," he mumbles. "Anyway, you don't know what you're asking. I can't give you anything." "Glitch. Fine. Leave me." (zzzzzZZZZZzzzZZZ!!!) His wings expand, ready to send him skyward. But there, they freeze. He's statuesque in that pose, like some ancient Technomancer idol. He turns, and over his shoulder, speaks words that pummel me into numbness, "I lied. I don't remember you. Not at all." (zzzzzZZZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ!!!) I don't know what to say to that. His knees bend; he's only a nanosecond from pushing off. "Wait! I'm pregnant!" The desperate words are out before I can cut them off. why why why why why why why why why why oh why did you tell him that? His words, when the eventually come, are cold: "It's not mine." Vision's blurry. River of tears. Glitch, I'm weak. Glitch, I'm hurting. Glitch, I'm lonely. "I'm sorry for you then," he adds. Then, without a sound, he leaps into the air, and is gone. Solitude, like a decaying lover, wraps its arms around me. Even in the desert, the embrace is cold. Dropping to my knees, I sob and shiver for an eternity.
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